The Smoke of a Distant Fire
by thanatophilia
Summary: You left me here on your way to paradise. Lord, I was stung, should have seen it coming a long time ago. If things are the same then explain why your kiss is so cold and that mist in your eyes feels like rain on the fire in my soul.


Roxas spends the night of the explosion systematically picking the heads off all the dandelions in the field near his apartment complex.

The rage of sirens is total, the inferno visibly reaching ever higher, the world a twist of smoke and ash.

Axel comes home around midnight and can't find him.

Roxas doesn't mind. He feels his cell phone vibrating in his pocket but after a few moments takes it into his hand and begins to smash it against the earth until it's a limp jellyfish of wiring and plastic.

Axel finds him eventually. There's soot on his face and he's sweating. Roxas won't bother denying he looks attractive like this, in thin clothing, in thin skin, worried and guilty. His hair is pulled back, the shorts tufts at his brow are stuck to his skin.

"Fuck," is all Axel can say; his eyes are wild. His mind is racing for more words, but that's the only one he has because he's angry and anxious and _guilty_.

Roxas sits back in the grass and wiggles his toes, his expression silent and sulking.

Axel's hands ball into fists. "Fuck," he repeats. "_What are you doing?_ There was call to evacuate hours ago. Roxas—fuck—_What are you doing?_"

Roxas glances up at him, slowly. "What are you doing here?"

"Saving your ass, come on." Axel reaches down for him, trying to drag him away but the other man resists, staring up at him out of the grass.

"Hours ago… you were with Naminé," Roxas answers. "I wasn't expecting you home until tomorrow afternoon. That seems to be the way you do it."

Axel's fingers flex in the empty air. He licks his lips and sweat trembles across his features.

There's another explosion. It lights up their entire world and showers them with debris. Roxas picks at the dandelions unconcerned; he doesn't appear to be sweating even in this extreme heat. He's… spent too much time with Axel for that.

"Let's talk about her later, Roxas," Axel decides after a moment, almost begging. When Roxas doesn't respond he snarls, bending down and scooping his companion over his shoulder and setting off at a run.

Roxas fights him the entire way to the evacuation center.

* * *

/ A Bm A Bm / / / DA BmE A Bm A Bm /

* * *

Roxas leaves him as soon Axel sets him down. He heads into the large gymnasium and goes straight for Aerith and her large gaggle of orphaned children. Axel knows he's being avoided, knows why, Roxas made that clear.

His head is a mess, oxygen deprivation and terror and guilt. He realizes now, in this moment, that expecting Roxas to turn a blind eye to his indiscretions was… underestimating him. He's always doing that and Roxas has always forgiven him for it, punished but forgiven. Axel doesn't know about this time.

It has been a long time, nearly a year, that he's been sneaking away to another's embrace for little more reason that nature. He's never quite outgrown playing the backstabber. There's liar's blood in his veins and… Roxas has always forgiven him for it, punished but forgiven.

There's a distance between them now. He can see it in the way Roxas moves from child to child, wiping soot and tears from their faces with infinite patience.

Roxas has never been the loving, maternal type, but he knows his duty. When has Axel ever responded to duty? And… he's failed in it.

He can see that very clearly now.

The lighting flickers and a harried mother gives a wail.

Leon and his brigade of do-gooders appear. They've brought food and blankets and Axel feels his heart swell when Roxas ignores Leon in favor of the task at hand. Curt thank-yous and then nothing.

The lights go out after a moment. There's a hush in the room as the black seeps into every eye. The sirens are still screaming outside, fireballs of energy still exploding throughout the town. Children begin to sob and Leon's do-gooder brigade begins to hand out flashlights.

Axel feels like he's floating. Like all his strings have been cut. He goes to find a quiet place to sit down. There are several missed calls from Naminé on his phone, he doesn't answer them now.

Before he knows what's happened, he's fallen asleep.

* * *

/ A Bm A Bm / / / DA BmE A Bm A Bm /

* * *

The explosion was maybe an accident, but it's the third week of summer and the teenagers are already starting to get bored. The damage is so extensive no one may ever really know what caused it.

In the meantime, an entire town is out of a home and the mayor knows they're all fucked. The National Guard can come help put out the fires, but it's the kindness of people's hearts that are going to take care of his constituents.

Roxas is going with Aerith and the children to Tifa's ranch up north.

Naminé has invited Axel to take up residence with her. She's a sweet girl like that. She doesn't know whose heart she's been breaking with her love for him.

Roxas doesn't ask what Axel is going to do. Their apartment burned along with everything else. Roxas could have saved some of their things, but he didn't. As he loads up a bus with a group of orphans, there are yellow smears of dandelion pollen on his jeans, vibrant amongst the soot.

Axel had woken up in the same place he'd fallen asleep. He'd woken up cold and filthy with his own sweat. He'd looked around himself, seen stirrings of motion amongst a sea of deeply breathing dead-sleep corpses.

He'd found a woman with coffee who'd also handed him a little plastic comb. She'd left it with him and he'd absentmindedly stuck it in his back pocket.

He'd finally called Naminé and now… He's watching Roxas distribute handfuls of cheerios to dirty scared children while Aerith circles elsewhere with a tube of toothpaste and a bottle of water.

Leon and his do-gooder brigade have come back from town with a box of toys.

Leon notices him watching and comes over to him. His face is sharp and curious.

"I see you made it out okay."

Axel doesn't punch him in the mouth. "Same to you."

Leon's mouth twitches, half a smile. They've hated each other for so long it's the only thing that feels right.

"Roxas is coming with us."

Axel sneers. "Well, you know Rox and I do everything together."

Leon's expression shows his curiosity, but he shrugs, turning to scoop up a pair of young girls and help them onto the bus.

* * *

/ A Bm A Bm / / / DA BmE A Bm A Bm /

* * *

Roxas does not sit with anyone on the bus. He stretches out in his single seat, tired and dirty and falls asleep. Aerith sits nearby, standing guard while entertaining a group of toddlers.

The bus is borrowed from a local school; it shakes like an earthquake the farther out into the country they go. Cid is driving, trying to stifle his curses as he dodges potholes and boulders alike.

Naminé calls Axel twice. He doesn't answer and as they near Tifa's ranch, he loses signal entirely.

The bus is stopped often for impromptu bathroom breaks, but Roxas sleeps through them all. And Axel is snubbed. The do-gooder brigade and Aerith are all busy with the children.

"S'yoname?" an eight year old boy asks him.

It's the most conversation Axel finds for the entire trip.

* * *

/ A Bm A Bm / / / DA BmE A Bm A Bm /

* * *

Tifa is waiting at the gates of her ranch with a few of her ranch-hands and a basket full of little cowboy hats. These are distributed amongst the children, all of whom have long since stopped weeping over the destruction of their home.

Tifa and her ranch hands are full of energy, they bustle the children off to play with some of the animals and to have some snacks while the adults hobble off to shower, to eat, to take short-lived naps and then return to their vigil over their ducklings.

Roxas goes straight into a shower and Axel almost follows him in, just to corner him vulnerable and make him listen but…

He doesn't, he feels sick and weightless at the idea of it and goes to get something to eat instead. He isn't hungry, but he chokes it down and as he chases it with a beer he thinks about things.

He'd met Roxas in college. Caught sight of him in between his spats with Leon. Roxas had been friends with Leon's cousin and the strings of relationships had wound themselves from there.

Axel had never really decided to go after Roxas, had never really thought they would end up like this, had never really been that interested in other men before.

"Leon tells me you're a liar," Roxas had introduced himself one day. "He tells me you hurt people for fun."

Axel remembers the look on his face, the quietness of it. There was no judgment there and it had made Axel uncomfortable.

He remembers he hadn't denied what he was. He'd humiliated several of Leon's friends, Leon himself notwithstanding. He did it because they were suck-ups, he did it because they were good kids.

Roxas had simply nodded and murmured, "No one loves a liar." He'd smiled faintly and walked away. Axel had hated him then, been confused and aggravated by him and set his mind to finding some way to knock him off that high horse of serenity.

During that year of college he'd made Roxas' life hell and he and Leon got into more fights than they ever had before. Axel's pranks got him kicked out of school, but that didn't stop him.

The day he fell in love was the day he broke Olette Marshall's heart. She had been Roxas' high school sweetheart and they had parted on good terms, were still the best of friends. Axel took her out in public and made a mockery of her and he had never seen Roxas so mad.

Roxas had beaten the shit out of him until Axel had choked up, "I'm sorry. Let me make it up to you."

And he had. And Roxas had forgiven him and maybe they'd been in love.

As he sits in the kitchen of Tifa's ranch, Axel wonders why he just can't change.

* * *

/ A Bm A Bm / / / DA BmE A Bm A Bm /

* * *

Roxas stumbles upon him in the kitchen. Axel doesn't even realize until the silence in the air prompts him to lift his head and Roxas is standing silently in the doorway. His blond hair is dripping wet and his eyes are… furious.

"Roxas…" Axel breathes, pushing up to his feet.

Roxas shakes his head, "Sit down." He proceeds into the room as if there's nothing wrong and rummages in the fridge, coming back out with a peach. He bites into it and when Axel tries to speak, Roxas motions for him to be quiet.

Axel watches him eat, biting into the glistening flesh, chewing down to the pit. When he's through, Roxas throws away the refuse and glances at his companion.

"I'm going to check on the kids." He makes to leave.

"Roxas!" Axel protest, following after him. When he grabs the blond's wrist, he's thrown off.

"You have nothing to say," Roxas declares, but Axel won't accept that.

"I do," he retorts. "I do. I'm sorry, let me—"

"No." Roxas turns and walks away. "You have nothing to say."

* * *

/ A Bm A Bm / / / DA BmE A Bm A Bm /

* * *

Axel watches from the roof of the ranch as Roxas and Aerith lead the children in a game of red-rover. Cid barks at him to pay attention and Axel reluctantly returns to repairing the shingles. Tifa has ordered them up here to pull their weight if they aren't going to be any help with the kids.

Axel has offered to help with the children, but Roxas had flatly told him no, Leon had snidely declined, and Aerith had politely hedged around the subject. None of them trust him and…

The sun is hot, and from the reports on the radio, it is even hotter back in the ruins of their town. There is speculation that the explosion was caused by heat and fed by the nearby industrial park. Who knows.

They've only been here a few days and Axel's skin has already started to blister and burn. Ranch life is not for him, yet he feels trapped here in this limbo. He feels adrift, he just doesn't know what he's going to do without Roxas.

When he looks up again, Leon has come up behind Roxas, his hand is on Roxas' shoulder. They're both smiling as they talk about something. Axel takes in a hissing breath and furiously returns to his work.

* * *

/ A Bm A Bm / / / DA BmE A Bm A Bm /

* * *

Within the next week, some of the other orphanage workers come up to the ranch laden down with supplies. The children greet them with cheers, running to paw through the toys and blankets.

Aerith is more excited about the cots and medicine.

Axel watches as pleasure spreads across Roxas' face as well and… it has been a week now. Every attempt to speak with Roxas has been swiftly and cleanly aborted by the blond.

"Can I help put some of this stuff away?" Axel asks him.

"Set up some of the cots," Roxas responds without inflection before bending down to pick up a box of medicine and take it inside.

Axel bites at his lip in frustration, his body trembling with violence. He could grab Roxas, hold him down and punch him in the self-righteous mouth of his until he listened.

Instead, he takes a box full of metal cot-frames and a set of tools and begins to put together the beds.

* * *

/ A Bm A Bm / / / DA BmE A Bm A Bm /

* * *

It's been a long time since college; it's been a long time since Axel has slept alone. If not with Roxas then he'd had Naminé. Now he has no one and… he'd never really needed Naminé.

He'd met her at a New Year's Eve party and his flirtations had been drunken and benign. He'd ended up with her phone number with no intentions of ever calling her. Until he had and they'd met and it had all been innocent until it wasn't.

Axel had never needed her. Roxas was always a stalwart and considerate lover. Naminé had just been fun.

Now he has no one and takes to walking the ranch at night.

The wilderness is not as quiet as one would think, what with the chirruping of the bugs and shifting and snorting of horses and the hooting of the owls and the rooting of the foxes.

The restless liveliness reflects Axel's internal state well enough. The cool dark is more his taste than the beating sun which burns his skin.

It's during one of his walks that he discovers just how broken his heart is by his own betrayal.

He sees them, Leon and Roxas, talking, backlit in a window. Roxas' mouth is turned downwards in evasive petulance and Leon's eyes are searching. Axel sees how Leon grasps Roxas by the arm, how Roxas doesn't throw him off, how Leon draws him close and gently presses their mouths together: asking permission.

Axel sees Roxas give it and then can bear to see no more.

* * *

/ A Bm A Bm / / / DA BmE A Bm A Bm /

* * *

Axel gives up on talking to Roxas and wallows in his own misery. He's usually not the sort to let himself be caught up in such angst, but it's such a sharp and unexpected pain. He feels so useless and confused without being able to reach out and connect with Roxas on any level.

Roxas has begun smiling again, the expression reaching the depths of his eyes whenever Leon comes and takes his hand.

Axel feels sick. Axel feels alone and alienated on this ranch in the middle of nowhere, where he wasn't invited and where no one trusts him. He wonders why he doesn't just go home and remembers the explosion, remembers Roxas sitting in the empty field behind their apartment complex, ripping the heads from dandelions.

Cid is an excellent drinking partner and the next time Axel comes across Leon alone, his fists don't know what else to do.

And just like before, when Axel had left poor Olette Marshall crying at a bus station all alone, Roxas comes after him in swift rage.

"Why don't you just go, Axel?" He demands, his knuckles colliding with Axel's cheek. For a moment, Axel thinks he wants to hit back, but doesn't.

"Go where, Rox?" he laughs. "Where we used to live isn't standing anymore."

"Take that up with Naminé," Roxas snarls and turns away again.

"I'm sorry."

* * *

/ A Bm A Bm / / / DA BmE A Bm A Bm /

* * *

Axel can't bear to leave. Outside this ranch all that's waiting for him is a burned down apartment, a signal on his cell phone, and a life without Roxas.

He imagines going back to Naminé and knows he'll never be able to smile at her again and his heartbreak will only bring her misery.

His stomach is a wreck of anxiety and liquor and he spends the mornings vomiting up his food. His mind his a garbage heap of confusion and self-hatred and every time he sees Leon and Roxas touch is a thousand moments of disgust.

The children don't like him, the ranch workers and the orphanage helpers won't talk to him.

Finally, it's just too much.

He waits for a quiet moment before going to find Roxas, slinging him over his shoulder and carrying him off into the woods. Roxas fights him the entire way.

At the first clearing they come to, Axel sets him down and holds out his hands.

"I'm sorry, Roxas."

The blond curls his lip at him and then spits at the ground. His benevolence is lost with his patience.

"No you aren't."

"I am sorry, Roxas," Axel repeats, eyes downcast. "You don't even know."

Roxas crosses his arms over his chest and looks appraisingly at the gray sky. He has nothing to say to Axel.

"I love you," Axel promises. He reaches out, inviting Roxas to take his hand. Roxas doesn't. He stares at the outstretched palm in anger and slaps it away. When he meets Axel's gaze again, his blue eyes flash dangerously.

"Then how could you?" he demands and expects no answer.

He turns away and heads back for the ranch. Axel feels like he's drowning.

"Roxas," he shouts. "I'm sorry."

There is no reply.

* * *

/ A Bm A Bm / / / DA BmE A Bm A Bm /

* * *

One month, to the day, Axel goes back to the city alone. His cell phone he throws out the window of the car on the way.

As he comes back upon the ruins of the town, he trembles with fatigue. He's never hurt so badly in his life.

He stares out across the wreckage of the explosion and is very much alone.

* * *

**Standard Disclaimers. **


End file.
